Big Brother! Day 1 - Seb admits straight away that he doesn't like the look of Sarah. He says she looks like a lesbian. As it turns out, Karen is in fact the only lesbian in the house, although Harv later admits that he is unsure of his true sexuality. 2 - The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores. Tony creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong. Faye hits him with a Whisk. 3 - The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother - they must make a model of Big Ben out of Lasagne. After much persuasion by Tony, they gamble 50% of next week's food budget on completing the task. 4 - Training for the Big Ben task is well under way. However havoc ensues when Harv, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest fat bastard in the house, eats half the Lasagne. Faye is furious. 5 - Today is the day when the Big Ben task must be completed. Things are going well until shortly before the end when Harv farts and blows Big Ben over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure. Sarah cries. 6 - Tony gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens. Not a very exciting day. 7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, Sarah admits that she likes to be spanked on the arse with a Whisk. Seb says he never wears condoms because they make his Testicles sore and Tony agrees. Karen goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they're all boring heterosexual bastards. Harv sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up Tony. 8 - Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to leave. Seb goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them because they're the only one in the house that he can really relate to. Faye and Sarah are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for Seb. 9 - Faye and Sarah are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. Karen sings them a song - Can't Get You Out Of My Head - to make them feel better. 10 - The public vote Sarah out of the house. She pretends not to be bothered but then breaks down and sobs that she should never have admitted about enjoying being spanked. Sarah leaves. 11 - Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms with Sarah's departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week's failed task. Karen has to make do without the cucumber she requested. Faye is visibly depressed and is comforted by Tony, who tries to touch her on her Clittoris. 12 - The Big Brother pyschologist replays the footage of Tony touching Faye's Clittoris over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing figures. Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running machine for twice the circumferance of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food budget on completing it. 13 - The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that Harv refuses to run because his Testicles hurts a bit. 14 - Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed. Harv finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that without him they'd never have done it. Faye calls Harv a lazy Testicles. 15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. Seb tells everyone individually that he thinks Faye is a whore. He also points out that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to come and visit. Faye and Tony are nominated by the housemates to leave. Nobody votes for Seb. 16 - The nominations are announced. Faye can't believe she's been voted out two weeks in a row. Tony is equally stunned and turns to Faye for comfort. Harv is distraught and confesses to Karen that he thinks he is in love with Tony. Karen says she doesn't fancy any of the housemates because they're all just too heterosexual and she's a lesbian, you know 17 - The public vote Tony out of the house. Faye says she is gutted and even gives Tony a clipping of hair from her Clittoris to prove how much she cares. Harv is also devastated but keeps his hair to himself. Tony leaves. 18 - The Big Brother psychologist shows repeated clips of Faye clipping the hair from her Clittoris. Apparently this is an important psychological incident. The public obviously agree as viewing figures soar. 19 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem of Latvia in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing it. 20 - Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of Latvia sounds like but Harv says it's a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose Seb as the one who must complete the task. 21 - Seb successfully burps not only the National Anthem of Latvia but also God Save The Queen, Can't Get You Out Of My Head and the theme tune to Family Guy. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him. 22 - Nominations are due and Seb tells everyone that he has a Villa in the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. Harv and Karen are nominated. 23 - Harv and Karen take their nominations well and sit down with Seb and Faye to discuss why they voted for them. Seb keeps quiet but Faye accuses Harv of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred Testicles before bursting into tears. 24 - The public vote Karen out of the house and nobody really gives a shit. Karen leaves. 25 - Seb becomes the first housemate to have a wank. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother pschologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of Seb's mind and brings out his true personality. In other words, he's a wanker. 26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting 5000 tons of Bull dung using only a Whisk. Seb is unsure but Harv is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger. They gamble 50% of the food budget. 27 - Completely out of the blue, Harv breaks down in tears and announces that he is leaving. He claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has brought back the painful memories of the Bull incident from his childhood. Faye tries to persuade him to stay but Seb sits in a corner, rubbing his hands slyly. Harv decides to leave. 28 - With only two housemates remaining, the Bull dung task proves impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting extremely pissed on some vegetable wine, made by Faye from a couple of mouldy carrots she found in the Big Brother garden. 29 - Nominations are due for the final time. Seb asks Faye to marry him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly Seb nominates Faye to leave. Rather more surprisingly, so does Faye. 30 - When the nomination is announced, Faye graciously accepts defeat and proclaims that Seb is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, she also agrees to shag him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. Seb takes his �70,000 and runs away to Latvia. Nobody, including Faye, ever sees him again. The Site With No Name Jokes, competitions and silly Shockwave games www.dc8p.com |
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